Part XVIII :: The Conclusion of the Matter
I never wanted to come to these conclusions. I never wanted to feel this way. I never desired to question the fantasy that I had created in my mind. I know that others felt the same thing when they learned what I had learned. It took an extremist Adventist cult juxtaposed with AFM missionary training to finally and truly open my eyes. Some will read this book and say that I wanted a way out. Or that I wanted to sin. Or that there was something evil in me. That’s the easy way to say it. My brother-in-law and others said I was “an agent of Satan.” To me, that is just proof that brought me out. I gave close to ten years of my life as a missionary, never asking for anything in return. I wondered why I was never fully accepted into the church. I realized that, as a first-generation Adventist, it would be easier for me to question aspects of the religion. Do I think that every part of Adventism is wrong? No, I don’t. Do I believe that it is wrong to sugarcoat things or deify a certain person? Yes. Had Ellen White not been pushed as hard as she was, it would have been easier for me. Had I not felt silenced or chastised for questioning things, it would have been easier for me. But I was denied the opportunity to state how I felt. As a result, I looked deeper and I was shocked by what I saw. I mourned the years of my life when I pushed Ellen White, believing that she was a true prophet of the Lord. I was so wrong, and that’s apparent now. Believe me, it was not easy to go through this, and I never once asked for it. It has affected everything from my marriage to how I see God.
I sit in my home, writing this as winter draws near. I wish I could say that Freddy and Darla have given up on Countryside. A few days earlier they spent Thanksgiving there. Albert still commands a presence in their life. They have a new home surrounded by the skeletal remains of a once-green forest. Stephen has moved back and is still as involved as ever. We seek the familiar. Changing one’s religious thoughts is hard. This period has been consumed with feelings of anger, sadness, distrust, and even madness. Yet, much good has come from it. I feel closer to my wife. I no longer look at life in a legalistic way. I am realizing that I am just a human, and that’s what God wanted me to be when He made me. I am still distant from many in the church. I feel deep religious trauma at times. I don’t want my daughter to grow up under the umbrella of Ellen White’s never-ending rules.
Within hours of writing this, Stephen sent us an email with a conspiracy about Disney and Satan. Countryside isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. And it’s that pervading presence in our lives that pushes me to publish this book. There can not be enough books warning the young ones of the danger of these cults. I wish wish wish I had read a book like this five years ago. In fact, that’s what pushed me to publish the previous book. As I said, the reason I deleted it was due to the fallout from the Adventist world that I claimed was “perfect.” I also believed wholeheartedly that Ellen White was a prophet. When I realized that she was not inspired, my entire view shifted. She was the link that kept me in confusion. I tried to make sense of it all using her words, and her views, and when I realized that she was the issue all along, it all came together rapidly. Suddenly all of the confusion made sense.
I find it interesting how "Disney" is the enemy. How "the Santa Clauses" is the enemy. Not the sexual abuse in the church that gets hidden. Not the deception that surrounds the less savory quotes and failed prophecies, lifestyle hypocrisy, and plagiarism of Ellen White. Not the preaching on subjects such as Jesuit infiltration and other conspiracy theories. Not the act of throwing people out of a church when they disagree or question something.Not the toxic insistence on absolute perfection that is rife in the church. Not the parents who abuse their children out of a belief that they will be saved if they
only "act right."
Not the hidden abuse of children by Sabbath school teachers and other instructors at our schools.
Yes, things like Disney are the problem (sarcasm).
Yet, if someone thinks and acts less than perfect or goes along with some
random little thing, it is a sin. A joke, a show, all these little things mean nothing. The real issues of abuse in the church need to be talked about. Let's hear first about Ellen White's need to tell people how to live while chowing down on meat. Or her wearing a brooch while we attack others using her words against jewelry. Or how about how we are supposed to give all our money to the church--yet she was also exempt from that. Maybe tell why nobody talks about her thoughts on the shut-door vision of salvation or the false prophecies that we keep quiet. Or what about her saying John Harvey Kellogg, a man who wrote about female circumcision and male circumcision without anesthesia and torturing children, was inspired? Or how she conveniently could see how all of her critics were "lost."
I want to hear about that. I want to focus on REAL abuse. How about a pastor (Albert of Countryside Sabbath Fellowship, I'm talking to you here) that
preaches about chemtrails and FEMA camps and tells his congregation that talking about God's love is not fit for discussion?
Let's first start with that stuff and then we can move on to the lesser things.
When I was baptized over twenty years ago, I was a tender 19-year-old. A quick
succession of Bible studies did not fully educate me about what I was getting into. While there’s a lot about the church that has been helpful, I must say honestly, I did not understand much of it until 10 years later. Even now it’s still unfolding like a never-ending onion. The truth was, I was in love, I wanted to get married, and I had in-laws that would have never accepted me unless I was of their religion. I must have seen how important it was to please Freddy even back then. I was nineteen. Stupid. Knew little of Christianity, and wonder if I would have fallen for any Bible study given to me. Whether it is a Mormon, Jehovah’s Witness, or Presbyterian Bible study, they all are written by expert writers that use Bible verses to prove their points. I just happened to take an Adventist Bible study that was largely silent on the personhood of Ellen White. Later I would learn of her importance after hearing her family instructing me on how I should live by throwing her writings at me. Later I would internalize it after reading the Conflict of the Ages series.
As a new father, I needed assurance that my daughter, who I loved more than anything would be saved. As I studied the Reddit board, I found that many of the abused ex-Adventists had fathers just like me. Their desire to “get their children” into heaven was intense. I believe that many people who have their first child go through a crisis of some sort. For me, it was shunning my past, my law degree, and trying to reach perfection to attain salvation for someone who needed to make that choice for herself. Yet, the idea was always there that the parents were responsible for children’s salvation.
Sadly, many others used the excuse to live far out in the country as a way to hide abuse. Ellen White’s insistence on country living was the perfect vehicle for many to shun society and keep their children far away from public services. How she didn’t see this I would never understand. Now I realize that it was a way to keep people dependent on her teaching, to give money to the church, and to raise a new class of very peculiar people. As I look at Stephen’s email about Disney, listen to Albert’s sermons about the Sunday Law and Jesuit infiltration, and watch many others who feel that the world is to be completely shunned, I realize that goal was all too obvious. I may just get kicked out of the church for this book. That is not my intention. I think that all organizations can grow and adapt and restructure themselves. Yet, my beliefs seem to go against the Adventist grain in so many ways. Let me say this: I never wanted to be involved in any of this. I never asked to go through religious trauma. I never wanted my relationship with God to look like this. I see other people who seem to have a healthy relationship with God, and I ask, “how?” I wonder, what’s next for me? I know, beyond a doubt, that I will never be a traditional missionary again. That is not to say that I won’t love others. That doesn’t mean that I won’t show Jesus in my life. Yet, the desire to bring others into what I feel that I am still working on leaving is not on my radar.
I don’t think that God meant for a missionary’s job to look like how it has for me. Some will say I am lost. I know that many already believe that. That takes away God’s love. I was told over and over again how we can’t talk about the love of God, but I can’t ever be a Christian if I can’t talk about His love. That may appeal to those who are abused or who love to power trip or control others, but for me, that’s not the God I want to worship.
One day Albert will pick up this book and start to read it. When he does,
I hope that he takes a long look at his legacy. Stephen and others have called me “an agent of Satan.” Why the obsession with Satan? Why the obsession with the Jesuits?
Why the obsession with death? Why the obsession with darkness? Why the obsession with the end of the world? Of being hunted? Of FEMA camps? Is this religion? As I read through the Reddit boards, I saw a group of young adults that had spent their youth filled with these messages. That messes with the mind. Freddy’s mind had been affected. So had Stephen’s. I have a feeling both will go to their graves thinking that they are in a special army set apart armed with the all-important present truth. Billy Corgan sang the once-popular song that starts: “the world is a vampire.” Any church that sucks the life out of its members is also a vampire. “Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage.” That’s fitting. It’s time to reset your mind, look at the world again, and get out.
You may wonder, did this experience change me into an atheist? I see no reason to talk about my own religious beliefs any longer. I no longer feel the need to prove my beliefs to others. What I witnessed during my journey was something that drove me further and further away from the god I thought I knew. I kept questioning, over and over again. When I sat in classes at AFM, I tried to make sense of it. When I was bombarded with emails and pamphlets, I asked: Is this what life is about? If there is a God, is this why he put us here?
I met countless atheists who were once raised in this church. They are not hard to find. I met many from other fundamentalist groups. There are endless firsthand accounts of young Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses who also became atheists after being a part of a religion that demanded perfection while leaders and prophets could play. My cohorts in the nearby church churn like butter with anger that I call religion a game, but it is. The powerful people make the rules. Ellen White claimed to have visions that she could ignore in her life. Today people hide that and worship her. If you fall short of her expectations, you will hear about it. Many who grew up in that environment are leaving. Had I grown up in it I would have, too.
Religion has long been a power game. The people on top become drunk with power and the people on the bottom are subject to all kinds of ancillary rules in order to be perfect. I could talk about how I found out that Ellen White was herself obsessed with money (which can be seen throughout her works with an insistence that one donates all that they can to the church), but there are plenty of books and resources out there that do a better job than I can here. I have no desire to turn this into a book about Ellen White. It is enough to say that I have moved on from her.
During our time at AFM, we were asked to write a lament. It took me close to a year to realize that the god I had been worshiping was a works-obsessed demon god. That is no longer my god. When I see the email forwards from Stephen or hear Freddy speak of his god, I have to remind myself that I no longer am a part of that. We all create our own gods that we worship, and just because we pretend that our pet god is the God in Heaven doesn’t mean that it really is. I have learned to never worship a god of anyone else’s design. That means I would never touch the god of Ellen White or Joseph Smith or Mary Baker Eddy or any other person who claims to hear God speak to them. They have their own god, and their god died with them.
In the end, I found that this type of religion stripped away the love from my heart. Love is a requirement for life and health. We are told that God is love, and no religion that claims to follow God can deny this. Love was not a part of my religious experience. Love allows true freedom to make life choices, yet we were never allowed to question the prophet. We could question almost anything else, but if it came from Ellen White’s inspired pen, it was completely off-limits. Her word was law, lifted up on the same level as the ten commandments (although none would ever admit this, cognitively it was true).
Countryside Sabbath Fellowship is just one of the thousands of churches and cults that operate. The point of this book is to make identifying them easy. Sadly, many of the people within had no clue that they were being held in bondage by a faith that was loveless. They thought they had love because they had a family. But, their god had the love stripped from him. The oft-repeated words: “they talk about God’s love. They lull their congregations to sleep.” God was never a god of love. A taskmaster. It killed religion for me.
One must practice love in all aspects of life. Works-based legalistic religions are never about love. I believe that love is a muscle. Jesus spoke a lot about love. Love others as you love yourself. It was an equilibrium equation. You can’t have one without the other. Yet the message all along was: “don’t love yourself.” It doesn’t work that way. Denying yourself every joy of life to feel holier didn’t even work for Ellen White, who scarfed down meat when it suited her hunger. We are human, and we need to love ourselves and love others in equilibrium in order to maintain a healthy life. Part of loving ourselves means being gentle with ourselves. Seeing this is an important step in the journey.
In the end, I found realizing that Ellen White was just an incredibly troubled and highly depressed sad human being, and not a perfect “goddess” as some seemed to view her as, nor a prophet—as I had previously believed— was a shock to me. Realizing that much of what I had been taught over the years had been lies shook my relationship with God. Once you realize that she is just a normal person, the church is not so special. One has to learn to be content with the reality that all children of Jesus are loved and cared for. Yet, when one puts their trust in people rather than in Christ, it has the potential to destroy one’s relationship with Jesus. That was something that we should have learned in AFM. That was something I should have learned within the church. I should have not had to discover that on my own. Humans need to believe in something other than God, and for the SDA church, that something else was Ellen White.
I now see God in a more holistic way. I refuse to see Him as anything but a God of love. I have distanced myself from all forms of legalism. I am willing to look at different ways of thinking and see the beauty in them. There is no need to hide from the world. My eyes have been opened to the dangers of cultish groups like Countryside and even more well-meaning groups of people that live in a bubble of legalism. I still wince when I hear about Ellen White, because I feel that those who follow her are severely misguided. Yet, I also realize that the same can be said of other “prophets” and leaders who tell people grand stories and outline how they should live their lives. I also have let go of the fantasy that all followers of a religion do or should believe the same way. It is okay for me to pick and choose how I want my religious experience to be. Food is not a salvational issue. How we spend the Sabbath is between us and God, but like Ellen White, the Sabbath has been made an idol by the church. I do not need to do things that hurt me or that I am uncomfortable with. No denomination has a monopoly on the truth, or truth, whatever that means. Moreover, there is no commandment that states that we must believe what another person says. It is a choice whether or not we agree or follow anyone. Although the church states that we must believe in the Spirit of Prophecy to be baptized, it is clear to me that Ellen White is not the “Spirit of Prophecy.” Such an idea is absurd.
Religion is a part of life, but it is not life itself. Balance is important. Religion is not a way to impress others or to fit in. It’s a relationship with God or a higher power. Where there is deception, there is danger, and I found much surrounding Ellen White to be deceptive, especially the estate and the church hiding many of her writings. It is also important to question, to have a healthy form of skepticism. Readily believing what you are told can be incredibly damaging. Many readily believe in Ellen White because “the church says so.” They are told to never question. Had I listened to this advice, I would have still internalized everything. I would be no different than my brother-in-law who posts “how we can’t have life insurance” because Ellen White said so.
I have found that some of the most helpful ways of coping have been to get out
of my head. Reading books that are written by diverse authors who do not think like I did, studying new religions (to open my eyes to new ways of thinking), visiting new places, and having new experiences are all ways that have helped me to grow and move on. Not putting myself in uncomfortable situations for the sake of religion, even if others say it is necessary, is another way I have moved on. It is my choice where I go and how I spend my time.
I have decided to travel to Thailand to get away for a while, and while I am here, I have decided to make it a point to rethink how I see the world. I have decided to spend time in a Buddhist meditation class, try new foods, get my wife and daughter a manicure, and rethink how I spend the Sabbath. These things have opened my mind quite a bit and have led to healing. I have also considered buying a wedding ring for my wife and me, as this was an idea that was shunned throughout our marriage. Looking at the life of Freddy and Stephen, who continue to push Ellen White and legalism on social media and in life, I see just how much their way of thinking has unconsciously shaped me over the years, even though I rarely lived near them. It’s insane how religion can shape a person. It is up to us to seek new and better ways of thinking while realizing that God isn’t trying to hold us back or judge us for being different than we were “told” to be.
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