I am starting to draft ideas for a letter to the people in the church who want an apology. I have come up with some thoughts that are ambiguous enough to keep my position here for a while and plan our next steps. For the church to tell us to leave so suddenly because they don’t like the reality of the abuse they caused is absurd. For them to think that I will just stop writing about it is even more absurd. Yet, for a time I am writing this in my journal and will publish it soon.
I have found that church has wasted my life for long enough. The job is to keep a person busy with tasks and rules so that they can not formulate a healthy life. The fact that I am ten years into my career and currently volunteer with zero pay from the SDA church shows that quite well. The church is embarrassed that they don’t pay me, and they don’t want me to state that. It’s better for me to keep giving value to them rather than speaking up. They want me to apologize and continue to keep giving value while they threaten me with dismissal and ostracization. Sounds abusive to me, doesn’t it?
Even today, I have to plan on what to say in multiple letters while keeping the Sabbath day just holy enough rather than planning my own life. When it comes time to actually think about my own professional development, I am too exhausted by the religious garbage that it’s hard to have the motivation to do so. I feel so low because of the constant message that “I am worthless” or that “I am bad” so that it is very hard to have enough self confidence to think that I will find something. The fact that life continues to pass by and I have nothing to show for it, while my superiors have homes, new vehicles, retirement accounts, and more is insane to me. I don’t consider it envy, I just am upset that the reality is that I have been taken advantage of and that I have to remain silent about it.
Yet, the supervising pastor says that I have “exhausted” the Forks church with my writings. That’s just too bad for the pastor in Forks who happens to live a pretty cushy life. I’m so sorry that some guy down on the reservation who works a part-time minimum wage job to support the church he won’t have anything to do with is such a problem. Meanwhile, Mr. Coon happens to have a nice home that he is spending money remodeling that overlooks the sea, newer vehicles, and the pay that the church gives those people that it seems to think have a direct connection to the voice of God. It is so ironic that I have to apologize to another entitled Adventist male pastor. Yay!
I look back to the tasks that I saw given to missionaries, and how they were always kept so busy as to not complain or think of anything. Even when the supervisors came to visit, they wanted to send me a bunch of books to read to make sure I got back on track. A missionary’s job is a thankless job in so many ways. But, it’s all good, we earn our stars for Heaven, while pastors get to enjoy the fruits of their labor in this life. And they think that we are so deluded to not see it. But don’t post this stuff… it makes the church look so bad!
I think back to my time at Adventist Frontier Missions and how Susan Payne told us to “bring the abuse to the light.” I guess that doesn’t count if it’s the Seventh-day Adventist church. Abuse from anywhere else is okay, but not the SDA church. The message is “keep quiet, apologize…and if you say anything we will make sure you’ll regret it.” Yet, I have told so many people about this and I will continue to spread the message. I’ve just gone more secretive about it. I’ve become more quiet. I make sure to talk to specific people. They have been appalled. One asked, “Do you work for a church, or for the mob?”
I have begun to formulate a letter to the Washington Conference. I have decided that I am going to say what I can that is honest and also allows me to keep my job. I have been emailing our supervisor saying that I have been formulating a letter but have purposely not sent one as I am trying to buy some time. I am not going to just send the letter right away, even though I could.
“I looked over my posts before deleting them and realized how they could be so hurtful. I got so carried away and so concerned with self and my own hurt that I did not take into account the pain the church would feel. It was selfish.”
This appeals to the church’s belief that my own views are irrelevant and my pain matters not compared to the pain that the church feels when it looks bad.
“I cast blame to many in order to feel better. It was a strange thing for me. I am not used to being vocal and I am glad to have those particular moments behind me, no matter what happens next.”
I have left “what happens next” as ambiguous, as this is what happens next. The plan is and always has been to publish more, even though I am not used to being vocal in such a way. I am used to hiding things. No more!
“I believe that counseling would be good for me, and no matter what happens next, I am planning on getting some counseling after the busy summer season at work.”
This is completely true, and appeals to their opinion that the issue is me and me alone.
“I want to understand the pain that others feel and to grow more empathetic.”
The truth is, I want to understand pain and feel empathy. I think that this is something the church lacks. That’s what happens when you have a dead woman calling the shots.
As of this writing, I do not know if the church will accept my apology. On one hand, I think that the church wants to see me squirm and recant before firing me. On the other hand, the church gets a lot of value out of my free labor and may want to save face by letting us keep our job and not being the bad guy. The church’s reputation is the most important thing in the world to them. It is more important than abused children. It is more important than ruined lives. It’s more important than the truth. The church has made itself to be the God. Even when our supervisors were here, they keep repeating the quote, “Enfeebled and defective as it may appear, the church is the one object upon which God bestows in a special sense His supreme regard.” This quote is everywhere on the internet in order to protect the church from negative thoughts and feelings. It is the institution that God Himself is said to worship. The SDA church basically is saying that the church is higher than God. Sounds like what they attack Catholics for.
When our supervisors came, they made it very apparent that they needed someone new to come in and do “damage control.” They needed someone to shape up these godless Indians because we ruined the image of the church down on the reservation, and they don’t like that. The image of the church has always been more important than the native people, and I saw that a year ago when I started to question. I know that the Native Americans would NEVER be accepted in the Forks church. Pastor Jay Coon wants nothing to do with them and has shown that. Native Ministries only seems to care about the image that having a church on this territory gives them. It’s just a power game. Always has been, always will be.
There is so much for me to say and post in the next few months, and I am going to have so much material because of this. I am eagerly waiting for the day when I can post again and share what has happened. But for now, I am quietly telling my story to all who will hear it. The Washington Conference, Native Ministries, Adventist Frontier Missions, the Seventh-day Adventist Church, and the Union are going to have a lot of damage control once we do leave!
Stay tuned, and keep reading, because things are about to get more revealing!
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